How To :: know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em (when it comes to your Jack // Jill)

A new year means it's time to take a step back and

reexamine our relationships.

Let 2012 be the year that you endeavor to assure that all of the relationships you're involved in are mutually positive, healthy and respectful. For each relationship you have – be it with your Jack // Jill, significant other, or  family member – ask yourself the following questions ::

1. How do I feel when I spend time with this person?

Do you constantly feel like you're on eggshells when you are around this person, as if you cannot truly be yourself lest this person belittle or argue with you? There's a big difference between minding your manners and completely suppressing your personality for the sake of keeping "peace" in a relationship. That's not peacekeeping; it's a hostage situation and not even Batman can rescue you.

If this person cannot handle thoughts // views // opinions that differ from their own and are leaving you in a constant state of nervous vigilance, it's time to get yourself out of this emotional // psychological landmine.   

2. How do I feel before + after spending time with this person?

Wishing for a natural disaster, zombie apocalypse, or a swift and sudden illness that just so happens to hit on the date of your set hang out time should not outweigh the desire to spend time with your friend. Upon concluding your visit, how do you feel? Like you've been drained of your energy quicker than a vamp victim on True Blood? If thoughts of "I hope they lose my number and forget I exist!" prevail over thoughts of "I can't wait to see him // her again!" it's definitely time to stake this relationship.

3. Does this person only make contact when they're in trouble or need to vent?

A common pitfall, one to self-check occasionally too. We get so caught up with our busy lives that we're unaware of patterns we're creating with our friends when we only use them as a shoulder, an ear, a wall, or a bail. The occasional "OMG, Becky! You won't believe this!" call // email should be welcomed, but when the friendship has been reduced to a never-ending cycle of "FML" phone calls it's time to throw your chum a life saver.

If you're wary of a pal that's fallen into this cycle, see if you can't break them out of it by calling them up and setting up a drama-free day to hang out. If they take you up on it, follow through and if everything goes gravy, chances are you're giving them a big, helpful push into putting your friendship wheels back on the bus.

4. Does this person only contact me when they're in need of some sort of expertise I possess?

Similar to above, this mate only wants to ring you up when they need your car, clothes, alibi, hacksaw, or frighteningly impressive knowledge on forensic + cadaver decay (Hey, that CSI: Miami fanfic ain't gonna write itself and wouldn't you know it, someone who calls you a friend just so happens to be a medical examiner). This problem poses the same answer as above :: call them up for an unrelated outing. If they take you up on it, there's hope. If they constantly dodge you, it's time to label this friendship D.O.A.

5. When is it genuine friendlessness versus being busy?

Being busy can only be an excuse for so long – weigh it against how long you've known your friend, the quality of the relationship up to the point when you first suspected you were driving on one-way Friend Lane, when the last time they were there for you vs. you for them, your effort to maintain the relationship, what changes have come into their lives recently – and do the math.

If cutting 'em a little slack is in order, you ought to be able to have a frank talk about your friendship. Get your day planners out and plan an afternoon together. However, if you realize promised returned emails // calls came up empty, excuses aren't lining up with facts

it's probably time to switch gears and find a new route.

6. Does this person always rain on your parade?

Is your chum always putting you down, especially when you've got some positive in your life? Their inability to communicate and feel happy for someone they call a friend // family // lover is a major warning signal and it might be time to hit the emergency eject button. They may be aware of the control-freak, confidence-crushing behavior they're putting on you or not. But either way, if they refuse to even recognize these negative, soul-sucking traits in themselves, you cannot force them to change, no matter how much you love them. Your good mental + emotional health is not worth sacrificing.

7. What do I get out of this relationship?

What you should "get out of" a relationship is not something material, but connection and mutual feelings of love, respect and happiness. You deserve that. Why settle for apathy – or worse, misery, when you deserve so much more? It isn't selfish or greedy to want and need this from a true relationship. If instead of good love and r-e-s-p-e-c-t, you feel like you’ve been playing host to some parasitic force, it's definitely time for a serious delousing.

Cheers to healthy, happy relationships that vamp you up! + don't suck you dry.

What're your 'dumping a downer' Jack // Jill how to's?

About the author: Rachael Faught Rachael Faught is a freelance food and travel writer from Los Angeles, California USA. A featured writer for The Place: Los Angeles, a Southern California visitors guide, Rachael travels whenever she can and dishes out good eats, events and reviews on her hobby blog, Glass of Win. Learn more about Rachael.