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How To :: become Maria Full of Grace at the table - or anywhere
Your Jack is taking you on a perfect date – an intimate little French bistro with a wine menu longer than Heidi Montag's surgery list. Nothing raises the ire of the Lady more than ill behaved swine descending on my favorite place – scamps with open mouths and tramps with open thighs.
After all, did you really think you could land that big rich gentleman at Chez Panisse if you bring your Burger King game?
Entrance
Jack, open the door for your Jill.
And make sure you look behind her to let in additional well-bred ladies with a tip of your hat or gentle bow.
Seating
Ladies first behind the host! Jack, offer to take her coat at the door or right before seating. Jills, place your fanny gently on the seat. Use those thighs for a delicate presentation to the chair, keeping legs firmly together, then twist to get your feet under the table. No Lindsay Lohan Hanky Panky flashing, duckies.
No cell phone, purses, scarves, boas, murses, or any other accessory goes on the table. Either hang it on your chair, or stash in your lap. Time to rethink the 2010 giant LV Mary-Poppins-esque suitcase you call a purse, hmmmm? Unless you're planning on fleeing the country with your little dog too, there's just no need to be going out with more than a delicate evening bag (they don't call it a 'clutch' for no reason). Same thing goes for your hobo murse, boys.
Napkin
Open, fold in half, place in lap with the fold closest to your body. If the maitre-d is doing this for you, there's no need for raising your arms. You are at a fancy restaurant, not a Lady Gaga concert. Bring the napkin to your lips, never bend forward towards your lap. Delicate dabs. After all, you aren't scraping the paint off of your Chevy, now are you?
Mind your b's + d's..
No duckies, not those B&D's, that's for after dinner. The b's + d's of whence I speak are your bread plate and drink glasses. Never forget again which glass is yours with this handy clue – make the 'ok' sign with both hands. Look down. What letters do you see? A “d” on the right hand and a “b” on the left.
Now you know, the bread plate in on your "b" hand and your drink is on the "d" hand.
Taa-daa! Try to do this under the table if you need an on-site reminder.
Posture du Jour
Wrists rest gently on the edge of the table, elbows in, close to your sides. We're not eating wings, nor are we flapping them.
Cutlery = European style because American etiquette is an oxymoron
Generally move from the outside in for the order of utensils. Most frou frou places will reset your cutlery after you order based on your courses, or replace the wrong one if you happened to sully it too early. Don't fret about which fork, other than the obvious shrimp or oyster fork (tiny). Finer establishments will replace them as you go. Once you've used your utensils, do not place them back on the tablecloth.
Onto the plate, please!
Palm the handle of the knife in the right hand and fork, tines down, in the left hand. Do not switch hands for each bite. Your knife can be used to push food onto the fork. It may not be the most efficient method for shoveling the maximum amount of food in the shortest time possible, but perhaps this is why those skinny French bitches (ehem, ladies) are a size zero. Learn it.
Hold the spoon like a pencil – no death grip required. No slurping off of or deep-throating your spoon. A nice rule of thumb is that only half the utensil should ever be totally in your mouth. We know you all have firm lips. Use them to move the food from utensil to mouth. Which of course, will be oodles smaller than any other meat you put in there. I know you're not even thinking of chatting with that mouthful, are you?
Fish knife
Same goes for a fish knife, just like a pencil. It's designed to remove skin, bones, and other fishy inedibles (quiet, Jacks!), not to cut the fish.
You have been served
Good servers (I know, rare as a reliable, tall drink of Guatemalan pool boy these days) will always serve from your right. Don't lean the wrong way, such an easy tell of bad breeding.
Bread
Oooh – nothing gets me more worked up than to see some rustic yank tear apart a defenseless roll with his greasy, sweat covered mitts, drown it in butter, eat half of it, then double dip back into said butter
Gasp!
Do this properly :: dollop just enough butter for your entire bread course right on your own plate (though be gentle, it goes straight to the hips, and though I love my duckies, I don't love a waddler). Tear the bread into bite size pieces, and butter as you go along. Set the butter knife on the top edge of your bread plate between bites and when you are through.
Excuse yourself
If you want to sip delicately at your wine, or need to powder your nose, criss-cross your knife and fork on the plate to indicate to your servers that you are quite complete. Wait for a pause in conversation, then excuse yourself graciously. When you have finished your entrée, place your knife and fork parallel and touching each other with points towards 10 o' clock and 5 o' clock on the plate to indicate you are, in fact, through.
Lovely job, my pets!
Lipstick
Not at the table, either of you. Excuse yourself and do this in the restroom.
Finale
Look here, a lady in the making.
Be sure you thank your gracious hosts and for goodness sakes suck it in as you leave the table.
